may mayhem

I don't think you're a bad person. I don't think you’re a bad partner. I don't think you're bad or not good enough for me. I don't feel like you love me less. I feel like I just want to be with you, even when I'm upset, even when my heart needs time and especially when my heart is hurt, you’re all I want. It’s never not you, it’s always you. I hope you remember this.

When I first met you, I didn't know exactly what I was looking for. When I first saw you, I felt like you were so soft and sweet. So nervous yet so calming. I didn't understand but I was scared for most of the time. I still am. I must be bleeding because my soul aches in the absence of you. 

I feel like most of the time I’m not exactly who I should be. Like I overwhelm you, and my words are too much for you. I wonder if you’re happy to hear my voice, or bothered when I talk. I wonder if I shouldn’t feel things so intensely. I don't know how you truly feel, but I know you are also tired. 

I feel like we’re stuck in a cycle where I’m hurt and you feel blamed, and then we both walk away feeling worse about each other. You're not wrong in the things you do; to me you simply feel things differently than me. I don't hate you, I don't love you any less. I feel so hurt because we are not getting better. I feel lost. I don't know what else to give you. I wish I could make you see past your disappointment at me. I feel words that are heavy to say and I rather not feel any more pain. 

And I'm not heartbroken, but I feel like we share too many words that end up being forgotten. So I don't know what else to say, that I haven't said already.