we should’ve met in the pale moonlight

this is the most disconnected from you that i’ve felt. my heart longs for you but i can not feel your warmth. i miss the connection we used to share. i miss feeling like your love. 

when you met this person, i was genuinely happy for you. you seemed more social and you looked healthy. i was glad to see you finding this friendship. happy until i started to feel like my presence was more of a disturbance than something you wanted. there were moments, even before our misunderstanding, where i was right in front of you yet felt so invisible and alone. almost like a ghost to you. moments where you couldn’t even utter a word to me, yet spent what felt to be the longest hours smiling at a screen… leaving me to feel even more unwanted and rejected, so easily replaceable. 

i have my own share of insecurities, and we have our own share of issues too. but we are supposed to work together and make sure we never feel so apart, most importantly like we still belong together. i don’t know if you will understand how much this whole situation hurts me. 

i wish i felt things differently, but it’s hard to not notice where your attention lingers, the way you light up for someone else. talking to them no matter how late it is, no matter if you talk to them more than you interact with me. 

in a way, i’m losing my mind over this. not talking to you, not feeling you at all. knowing that every time i go send you a message and i see you online, you’re most likely already talking to them. and my heart hurts a little and i just think to myself what’s even the point in trying. i can’t ignore how much this hurts me. and i’m only going to keep on hating them and hating you for keeping this happening even after i somewhat expressed my discomfort. 

i feel like i’m not the person you’re most excited to talk to, when all i want is to just for a moment have my name cross your mind and your heart getting filled with love. 

i’m supposed to be your partner, the person you’re the closest to, but i’m not sure where i stand in your life anymore. and i need to tell you this because i feel it will give me peace of mind.

i can no longer hold space in my heart for all this hatred, and i can’t avoid the tears falling and this feeling of sadness and rejection from consuming every inch of my mind when i think of you. i can’t remember your love with all these feelings. i can only imagine you might be in a state of denial if you still believe this friendship dynamic you have is not affecting our relationship. 

i feel as if i’m no longer your breath of fresh air, like i no longer carry the weight of the quiet moments where your soul finds rest and you feel held. and although that person didn’t bring these feelings, this whole situation makes them harder to quiet down. especially when you go to someone else for comfort, for company, for understanding, for anything at all, that’s when i feel the most insecure. your attention is elsewhere, somewhere i don’t belong, and what remains of your love for me has grown so quiet i can barely hear it anymore.