being hopelessly in love is draining me. my feelings are too deep for both of us and my heart is heavy enough to ruin everything we have.

i don’t feel pretty for you. i don’t feel loved by you, not the way lovers do. i feel you growing tired of me each time i say anything to you, wether i’m trying to be helpful or joking, or anything else. i feel unhappy and i don’t feel like i can express that to you. i wish i could talk to you in a way that you would listen without trying to rationalize my feelings. i don’t feel understood by you and i fear that if i tell you all of this, you might go and make it about yourself. “what about me? i also feel this/that”. i don’t know what to do except to feel sorry for myself. i do love you but it hurts me to feel like a ghost to you. to talk and never be heard and have my feelings get turned into something else or be ignored. i don’t feel like i can cry and pour my heart onto you without feeling so alone. you’ll tell me you shouldn’t have to apologize first and that it isn’t your fault i feel this way. i’ll feel invalidated again and my heart will hurt, again. i’ll pour my heart out and all that will be left for me will be pain. 

i’m growing apart from you more and more. i’ve been distant from you because i can’t stop wishing to go back to the beginning, when you still wanted me and i didn’t feel so alone. because now, i can’t look at you without feeling sad. i miss you but i don’t feel like i can just go to you. i don’t feel like you wake up and chose to be with me, i feel like there’s only a bit of love left and the rest might be consideration for what we used to be and what we can become. do you look at me and see potential? or do you look at me and are happy for who i am? not who i may become? i don’t like to be a burden to you and it pains me to see your reaction each time i tell you something hurt me. are my feelings to hard for you to bare? am i too much and you can’t handle that? i can’t help but feeling like that might be the case. like you have loved me before and you really did and i could feel it, but i can’t feel it anymore. all i have is the hope that “things might get better”, but in case they don’t i can’t even tell you about all these feelings. i can’t even sleep at ease because i know the next morning it might get worse. the same way i can’t stop these tears from falling and i wonder if things might get better if i’m gone.