venting

i don’t know how much longer i’ll have to pour my heart out to you for you to finally understand how lonely you make me feel and how this is only pushing me away.

i feel so exhausted, almost tired just by being around you. i don’t feel your love, only your judgement, and the place i should find a home, is the same place that fails to give me comfort. i wish i didn’t smile the most only when i remember how you used to be, how you used to love me. i can’t look at you anymore without feeling like i’m failing myself. why do i try so hard to make things work when you’re just going to invalidate my feelings again, and make me feel like i’m all alone, again. 

and then you go watch your silly little tv show and act like this doesn’t even matter. it just doesn’t bother you as much, my feelings never do. anything else can be important to you, and you’re never going to stop playing their advocate.

i hate you right now, i hate that i love you, i hate that i care about you. i hate that i just wish you would come to bed and hug me, not let us sleep while despising each other. i wish you could love me and comfort me the way i try to when it’s your feelings that get hurt. 

i feel like an idiot because this is not even the first, second or third time. and i know it won’t be the last. i know tomorrow i’ll want to wake up next to you more than i’ll want to leave. and i know you won’t do better for me.