amarelo mostarda, azul oceano

in all honesty, you breaking up with me was the best thing that could have happened to us. of course, i didn’t immediately understand how you could just let it all go. it wasn’t until a few months later that i realized that we could never coexist in your world without me feeling like i had to perform. and the problem wasn’t in you or in us. “we were just a bit too different”. but that was never the case. i was constantly fascinated by your presence, mesmerized by every word that came out of your mouth, too distracted by my own infatuation over you to ever realize that was all that it was. 

i still think about you, the same way i still think of old childhood memories. but that’s all it is now, just a memory. i have felt all i had to feel, and i have loved all there was of you. i don’t resent you, but we could never be friends because we never started of that way. it was all so romanticized from the beginning, that it’s hard to see you any other way.

this is another conversation i have in my head, imagining we are having lunch at a cafe, catching up, pretending we still know each other. but i don’t even know what i would do if i ever saw you again. i am happy, or at least i tend to be. i have a new life and i would never want to be with you again. yet, i catch myself reminiscing about old loves, old friends, past lives. things ended so quickly i almost had no time to create bad pictures of you. so how could i not smile over the time we had together? you made me feel seen and cared for, you made me understand how love was supposed to feel; and for that i'm grateful to you.