i can’t sleep it’s 5am

 all my friends are gone and moving on with their lives meanwhile i’m stuck in the same place i was a year ago. people i used to know are graduating, some are planning weddings and others have actual things going on with their lives. i don’t have any friends or money or one thing i have created that when i’m gone people will remember me by.

i’m not even sure anyone from my past remembers me, yet i constantly wonder how their lives are changing and if they’re good and if they’re happy.

i’m not sad but i’m not necessarily happy and it’s a weird feeling for me to not know how to be able to live my life or what to do with it. i wish it was as exciting as the movies and tv shows i watch, i wish i was as interesting as any other person in their 20’s. and i feel so pathetic for wanting that because it’s actually so sad for me to want to be someone and somewhere i can never be. 

i spent most of my teenage years stuck in my room dying inside from my own depression, for now in my 20’s to find myself drowning in the same thing that poisoned my soul. i’m tired of seeing people go but i can’t seem to fight for their stay. i’m tired of losing friends but maybe they were never there. i’m tired of depressing about everything that’s wrong and to reminisce about the past every couple of days.

i’m not depressed but i’m too old. too old to still be a socially awkward teenager and too old to be crying over being so alone. but i’m so freaking tired of existing as myself.

my brain is rotting and my soul is dying. my friends don’t exist in the real world and nobody’s really there anymore. am i too old to want to be loved? will anyone truly remember me when i’m gone?