trem leva minhas pernas

when the damage has been done long before you were born there aren’t enough ways to deal with the hurt that was left from it. 

today i wondered about what would happen if i had killed myself. what would have changed? who would have changed? who’s forever going to be in a cycle of sadness because of my departure, and who’s life would continue as if nothing had happened? would anyone smile while remembering me, would they remember and miss the real me or the person they’ve idealized over the years? 

truth is i can’t wait for a train without thinking “what would change if i jump before it stops here?” before it stops and i have to continue living my life, forcing myself into existence.