i'm afraid i'm losing myself for you

i don't know if you'll ever become the partner i need for myself. i'm scared because as we make plans for our future house, i don't see you treating me like someone you want in your future. i feel tired, mostly. i also feel sad and angry. i have been trying to see past my disappointment towards our relationship, yet some days are harder than others. i don't feel like a priority in your life. i don't know if love will be enough for me to ignore this feeling. 

sometimes i wonder if it would have been easier had i just left that night, had i not believed you would change. i rest not knowing if you'll be there for me when i need you, and i wake up feeling lonelier and more like a stranger to you. 

i cannot ever speak for you, sometimes i can't even tell you how i feel about you. i wish you were capable of understanding my pain without making it about yours. i wish i could love you more than the sadness this brings me. 

i'm uncertain if you'll ever sit and listen to me as i pour my soul onto you. if you'll stay and care instead of leaving the room to find ways to distract yourself of my problems. i wish i didn't feel so small each time you show your back to me and that someday i won't have to beg for the scraps of your attention. 

and as i write this i wonder if i have lost all my self-respect. because yet again, i'm so lost in you i can no longer see myself without you out of the blue.