i’m finding ways to be a better partner

i think a part of me has always felt anxious about being with someone new, trusting my whole self to them. so in the past it was a challenge to accept the love i would receive from others. my family dynamic wasn’t the worse but it wasn’t the best. my father would constantly disappear on us and my mom would work so much i could barely see her. i feel like both of them failed to show me how to love and be affectionate towards others, how to distinguish a healthy relationship from a long term one. i used to believe that love was about one being receptive of the other’s indifference to them because it didn’t matter how much my father mistreated my mom, she would still love and accept him. i’ve never seen them being loving and kind to each other so i assumed that wasn’t a requirement for a relationship. that has led me to close off to friends and romantic partners because i was not used to someone else showing me that kind of affection. in my past relationships i found it hard to be absolutely comfortable around previous partners enough to kiss them or hold their hands, to touch them and tell them how much i loved them. sometimes i still feel like my feelings for you aren’t to speak about if not through text. but at least i can go as far as kissing you in private and in public, talking to you about things that trouble me and just being intimate with you in general.