tem dias que mal consigo respirar. me questiono qual seria o motivo da minha permanência aqui. o amor me move mas também me consome, mas também todos meus outros sentimentos o fazem então de certa forma estaria condenada. sei lá. isto é meio que um desabafo.

i'm learning new things about myself every day cause i shadow work more often. this takes time and effort and i need it to cope with my life and this world. i’ve realized that my mind is very weak and confusing and inconsistent to keep memories of good times i’ve had, so i end up “forgetting” about most of them and only focus on these situations that apparently fucked up my psychologic. i noticed that when i’m sad i can’t just feel the sadness running through my body but also apathy. things no longer have the same importance or meaning. everything seems to be colorless and unsightly. only the will to lay down and contemplate the feeling of failure and solitude that consumes me lasts. and this scares me to the core. cause just as i can’t feel nothing i can feel things way too intensely. it scares me how i can go from 0 to a 100 with such ease. and funny thing is, although i’m feeling like this at the moment i feel like in a couple of hours or days i’ll feel completely different. i’ll get hyped up over the silliest things like how the birds from my college sometimes take small baths with the ac water or how cute the goats from corimba are and how i forgot to find them during these mornings of self introspection and numbness. it scares me how dysregulated my brain can feel over anything. how heavy is it for me to breathe. and how my hands are shaking and i can’t eat.